I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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