Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
