either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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