Plan B is the new Plan A
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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