just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
These tits shall not be calmed
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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