it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
