Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize
