As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
