just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
