so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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