Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
