so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
