mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
