God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
