is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
its not stalking. its research.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
