my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Randomize
