My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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