I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
