i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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