I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
