There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize