I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
