I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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