census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
