I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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