Where is the hickey?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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