just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
