now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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