she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
