Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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