And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize