No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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