No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
