I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
