This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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