I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Mom said you looked used
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
