know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
