shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
