I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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