I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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