i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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