then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm too high and old for this...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
