my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
