im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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