I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need to calm my uterus...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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