There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
