so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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