The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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