I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
