dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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