How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
