I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
