Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
