If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize