Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
