So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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