I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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